i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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