True but thats because hes a fetus.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
