From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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