Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
