call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
