i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My ass is underappreciated
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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