i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
