My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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