Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
