everyone is single if you try hard enough
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
