I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
