Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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