I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We smell like vodka and hangover
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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