omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I could make wine with my vomit
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
