two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
