his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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