went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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