I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
