My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
