you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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