did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
