It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize