She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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