Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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