Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
