I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
