Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
