I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
