talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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