btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
