Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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