It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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