That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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