is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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