Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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