I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
