Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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