seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
