that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize