I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
