I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
