Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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