I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
