i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize