Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
