I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Randomize
