I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
