absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
