Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he thought i was a dude.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
