Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
