I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is Oprah even human
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize