Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize