I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
