Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
