I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize