Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
