Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
...so i touched it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
