I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize