If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
